Antonia Bernardin

This book blog also becomes a place every now and again where I chat about things that interest me, or things that are on my mind. If you read my quarterly ‘reading, writing and life’ updates, you’ll know that a stressful year and another evil bug I caught, has forced me to try and really really, for realsies, get out of this burnout cycle I am in.

Although, I am nowhere near as bad as I used to be. I am still not out of the loop.

The cycle goes like this:

• I get really run down or ill
• My body forces me to slow down by bringing me 3-6 months of tiredness I’ve been ignoring
• I recover from the bug/ tiredness – feel slightly better
• Take slightly better care of myself for a few weeks.
• Start to feel pretty good
• Decide to fix ENTIRE LIFE and DO ALL THE THINGS
• *forgets plan I made at the start to feel good stage to stay feeling good, stop all the good habits I developed*
• Keeps DOING ALL THE THINGS until body decides to nope.

And repeat.

The things is, the ‘plan’ has never been realistic before, the ‘plan’ has always involved me somehow finishing everything I need to ever for all of time and THEN I’ll relax.

I like being busy, a part of me even thrives on it (mentally, physically … not so much). Having lots of hobbies and projects, people and animals to care for, friends and a partner, fills my cup to no fucking end but I have always struggled to reconcile how achievable that is around full time work. I’ve been operating on the assumption that at some point I will just magically become less tired and then I don’t have to give anything up, I don’t have to put myself to bed when there are so many other things I’d rather be doing.

(Yes, I have strong suspicions that I am some kind of neurospicy, don’t worry, I am WELL aware.)

So, what are the baby steps I’ve been doing to try to work on a lifetime of bad habits (I have been like this since I was a child).

*disclaimer, I am not a mental health professional, doctor, life coach, or anything remotely professionally helpful. This is a list of things that helped me and some ideas on how to implement it. This is based off personal, anecdotal observation. I am not diagnosed with any conditions and as this is written from the inside of my brain, your brain may work differently and this advice might not be right for you, which is okay, all brains are welcome but they might not necessarily be helped because I am just an idiot with a keyboard.*

1. Scheduled rest

Make chill time a part of the to do list. Make it an intentional decision for your evening. Make it a requirement.

At first, it’s cool if this chill time is brain rot scrolling, I think that has its place within healthy boundaries. Just try and make space for actives that make your brain go quiet too, without splishy splashy lots of bright flashy lights from screens in front of your eyes.

if you gotta take a couple weeks to fully rot, forgive yourself, but don’t forget to climb back out, before the ‘things’ pile up and you end up in the trap again.

2. Make space for hobbies but set limits

If you are like me and have more things you want to do than time, then you have to fucking accept it. You cannot do everything. You must choose what can wait. You must not do those hobbies if they are not restful, if you are supposed to be resting.

If you enter into a tasty hyper focus, try to catch it at the start and set timer reminders so you don’t completely lose track of time.

3. Back to basics: treat your body like a complicated plant

Food, water, sunlight.

If your burnout is related to mental health conditions or neurospicy life, retreat to your safe and easy foods. ‘Fed is best’ can work for big people too. If dinner has to look like you’d feed it to a toddler for a bit, so fucking be it. If dinner is microwave meals, or takeaways for a minute, that’s okay too. Fed.is.best.

4. Do something that “fills your cup”

Do something that brings you joy, even if it’s the quiet joy of shitty art, a bath, or making time to cuddle your pet or loved one. Maybe it’s acts of service, maybe its charity, maybe it’s a hobby.

Do something that makes you feel like you, makes you feel human, makes you feel warm and fuzzy. Do something that fills your soul, for want of a better word.

If you are ping-ponging from thing to thing, or really busy, or even just the rigmarole of existing in a capitalist society in a world that is burning… you’ve got to do more than just exist, you’ve got to do things that make you feel like a person.

5. Accountability

Some of this is your fault. There’s some cases where it’s beyond your control because life isn’t giving you a chance to breathe for a minute and figure out how to slow it down.

But some places, it’s a choice. Trust me I know how hard it is in the thick of it. When life really piles on you, or mental health kicks you down, it can feel like its out of your control, spiralling, something that’s dragging you along with it. Or maybe, like me, being organised is a little harder for you and things always feel out of control because your brain works differently and struggles to keep on top of all the things to keep an adult human body and a household, etc running.

However, there are small choices, small decisions, we can control. For me, although I did suffer from the occasional bit of insomnia, sometimes I wasn’t sleeping because I wanted a little bit more day to enjoy. Sometimes it was a choice. Like I could somehow prevent tomorrow from coming if I just didn’t close my eyes because I was dreading it so much.

Sometimes I was choosing to do things that would harm me and blaming it on this inertia I felt. Like not eating. Like over eating. Like staying up too late. Like skipping breaks at work or staying too late. Like being exhausted but choosing do something like deep clean because then I could rest without guilt. Like using my only day off to clear out my entire cupboard.

To use smaller examples:

• Like not putting that one top away on the hanger until that one top became an overwhelming, time consuming mountain of clothes.
• Not doing the washing until it was too much and was now a big job.
• Not doing that one dish until I have no dishes left.

And believe me, none of this is to heap blame or guilt on you. Especially if you are in thick of that horrible, weighty depression cloud.

But feeling better starts with tiny choices and recognising where you are your own worst enemy.

6. Accept that you are not weaker than your peers

I would berate myself for everyone, seemingly, coping and keeping on top of things better than me. I would burn myself out more in some imaginary competition of ‘togetherness’, which always felt like I was hurtling down a mountain with no breaks but with a nice glossy paint on the top hiding the chaos.

Some people do just burn out easier. Especially in cases where you are battling your brain to function in a 9-5. Especially if something about your life currently doesn’t afford you many opportunities for rest.

I think in my case, I spent so long not looking after my body, now it does just need a little extra TLC and things will balance out the more I work on this.

7. Every moment does not have to be productive

My partner HATES the phrase from me “I don’t want to waste the day”. One time he asked me, ‘why would relaxing, watching tv on your day off be a waste?’. Well, shit. I didn’t have an answer. I still don’t. I am trying to work on the itch to be doing all the time. I am trying not to run through my catalogue of things I ‘should be doing’ when I have chosen to spend a day relaxing with my partner.

Not to play the gender card but I think there’s a uniquely ‘raised as a girl in society’ guilt involved in this. I am selfish if I let my mum come home to a mess. I am selfish if I am resting while she is cleaning. I am selfish if I don’t help with care tasks and choose to do a fun thing instead, a pressure my brother (sorry dude) is completely capable of either not feeling, or ignoring. I don’t think this pressure even came from my parents. I think it’s a guilt women just absorb.

(BTW K.C.Davies’ book, How to keep house while drowning, has an excellent section about this in the opening chapter.)

But I think the drive to be productive, for every activity to serve a purpose, or for rest to come only after it’s been earned, is a huge contributor to burn out.

so yeah, those are my main tips…

To be honest I come back to this analogy time and time again: if the things you are juggling were literally balls, some of those balls are glass ones that you can’t or won’t drop, which will shatter if you do, but some balls are rubber and can survive being dropped or bounced for a turn.

You gotta identify the ones that can bounce.

Finally, like I said at the top, I am not a professional anything in this topic, or diagnosed with anything. If you are struggling, please please don’t be afraid to talk to a doctor or any of the number of resources out there. A problem shared is a problem halved.